The Third Side of Being Pathetic
by Sinuessa
Summary: "Nea, this is what's become of your little rebel group; a useless ex-exorcist, a fifty years old violent little girl, two old people on their deathbeds, a faithful dog of an abuser, your former friend whose body you're currently occupying and also, last but not least, you, an emotionally constipated Noah with an astonishing ability to screw up everything you touch." [set after 222]
1. Part 1

**A/N: I'm laughing, how the hell are we supposed to survive another 3 months? Here, have some extremely confused Allen mirroring the feelings of the entire DGM fandom. This was supposed to be a short one-shot, but it got out of hand, so I'm splitting it into two parts (I hope…). No pairings.**

* * *

Allen was the personification of a question mark.

Cross had told him to go to the Campbell's mansion and seek out Katherina Eve Campbell, but… would she still even be alive after all these years? And how would he know where exactly it was, even if he did wake up as himself? Also - if his master wasn't a figment of his imagination, did that mean he was still alive?

He _was_ glad for a destination, a reason to keep moving forward - perhaps a good chance to finally gain some answers as well. However, with Cross being as vague as ever, Allen was, undeniably, pretty much screwed.

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

He had to admit, the Fourteenth's dreamscape was much less depressing than his own. Despite that, the fact that he could be spending eternity here didn't seem very pleasing.

The dream version of the mansion was looming over Allen ominously. He thought, at first, that maybe he could go explore it a little, thus took a step forward. Then, without any kind of warning, it disappeared. Allen took a deep breath and looked around some more. The only other concrete thing he was able to see was the tree. Cornelia.

With a shake of his head, he stepped out in its direction and sighed in relief when it didn't vanish suddenly. When he reached it, he looked it over curiously. It was strange, he thought - naming a tree. If Katherina came up with it, Allen wasn't even surprised that her sons turned out to be such weirdos. It ran in the family, he supposed.

For an unknown reason, he expected something to happen when he touched Cornelia. Nothing did though, resulting in him releasing the breath he didn't know he was holding.

Allen felt stupid. Having said that, he was about to feel much stupider.

"C-Cornelia?" he stuttered, embarrassed. He really hoped the Fourteenth couldn't see his useless attempts to find a way out. He'd be having a good laugh at Allen's expense. "Help me… wake up? Please?"

 _Just use the spell, asshole._

Allen winced at the eerie voice. "Oh, wow," he breathed out, making a mental note: talking to trees could actually turn out to be helpful from time to time. Even if they were a little rude. "What spell?"

 _Like you're using the Ark. Just imagine your own dreamscape instead of a real place._

Allen narrowed his eyes skeptically. Surely it couldn't be that easy. He did have his manners though, so he said: "Thanks, Cornelia."

The wind carried over something that sounded suspiciously similar to a snort, which he decided to ignore. Instead, he closed his eyes, focused, and-...

Was about to throw up.

He opened his eyes in panic and found himself to be lying on the ground in a familiar dark environment. So, it did work. Except that the Ark didn't open a gate - he just teleported. Maybe it was because he wasn't actually in the real world. Speaking of which… he still had no idea how to wake up, even though getting out of Nea's mindscape was a considerable achievement. It seemed as though trees could be about as vague as a certain master could.

Allen put one hand on his abdomen in hopes of calming the upset stomach and decided to walk to the lake. He was almost entirely convinced that crying Lenalee would be reflected at the bottom of the dark water, but she wasn't. There didn't seem to be anything at all - no Lenalee, no Order ruins, no black moon. He wasn't sure that was a good sign.

After looking around, he kneeled at the edge of the lake and carefully dived his left hand into the water. Like a bad case of déjà vu, somebody grabbed it all of the sudden, and this time, pulled him straight into the lake.

Allen woke up with a start. Which was miraculous and all, but noting the dull headache that only seemed to be starting, he almost wanted to go back to dreaming.

He took a second to resign himself to the fate of walking around like a living corpse for the day and then sat up. He was in an unfamiliar room with a very familiar person behind the small desk in a corner.

"Finally woke up, huh?" Link asked, not looking from the papers he was scribbling on.

Allen was dizzy. Seeing Link alive… he was confused, so very confused, but that did nothing to muffle the sob that came out of his sore throat.

Link turned around with raised eyebrows, which soon shot up even higher in shock. "Walker?"

"You're alive," Allen whispered as he brought his right hand to wipe the tears away. "Thank god."

Link, the poor soul, looked absolutely lost. He nodded mutely and then, after short hesitation, came over to the bed. "How… how are you feeling? You were… out for a while."

"I'm not sure," Allen admitted. "Link, I'm so sorry… for leaving you with Apocryphos. So sorry…"

The other sighed deeply. Leave it to Allen Walker to blame himself for everything.

"How are you alive? Why are you here?" And then; "Where are we?"

Link shoved a glass of water into Allen's hands which he appreciated. "Zu Mei Chang saved me, and Inspector Lvellie arranged it so that the Order would presume I'm dead. I have been asked to find you. I helped you and Johnny Gill escape the Earl - Gill is somewhere safe, don't worry. Also, your golem… is nowhere to be found."

Finishing the glass of water, Allen frowned. Besides Timcanpy disappearing, one particular thing bugged him about what the other just said. "You've been asked to find me? By Lvellie…?" A realization settled over him. He turned to stare at Link, hoping he wouldn't confirm the gnawing suspicion that-...

"I'm supposed to help the Fourteenth."

He was about to start crying again for an entirely different reason.

"I'm not your enemy!" Link continued with haste. "But, Cross Marian is on Nea's side and Malcolm Lvellie is on Cross's side and I… wasn't really told all that much."

"Nea?" Allen hissed uncharacteristically, which made the other wince. "How long was I out? Did you and _Nea_ bond well?"

Link answered the former question; "Six days, I think."

Allen was thinking, hard. So his master was still fighting for the Fourteenth, after all. But why had he said those things to him before? Why had he looked so glad when Allen had told him he wouldn't give up? For the third time, Allen had doubts. If he knew who the mysterious Fourteenth was, would something change? None of that made Link's blind obedience to Lvellie hurt any less, but he couldn't be mad at him for long. Not after being so happy he turned out to be alive and well, at least. Allen wasn't on the Fourteenth side (didn't think he'd even be able to, after everything) but, perhaps, it was time to stop fighting him so hard and, instead, try to understand. As long as the process of understanding didn't require him getting swallowed by the parasite's memories, of course.

Allen looked at Link, who was waiting patiently, with newfound determination. "We need to get to the old Campbell mansion," he said. "Any idea where it might be?"

The other shook his head, obviously relieved by Allen's relatively calm acceptance of the situation, but confused at the sudden topic change.

"Okay, then," he continued. "I might have a way of finding it."

* * *

Allen really had thought it would be as easy as sneaking into the Fourteenth's piano room, poking around a little bit and hoping for a door leading to the mansion to open. Turned out, that was just wishful thinking.

Link, who was standing next to him, smacked his lips in displeasure, which made Allen cringe slightly. Fortunately, he seemed to have some empathy, seeing as he didn't say anything further. They both felt like this was a waste of time and, on top of that, a useless risk to take. Maybe the Order didn't have access to this particular room, but that didn't mean it wasn't dangerous; boarding the Ark, that is.

Allen was about to apologize dejectedly, when suddenly, a movement on his right caught his eye. He froze. In the mirror, instead of his reflection, there stood a familiar shadow.

"Walker?" Link asked.

"Do you see him?" Allen said with a quiet voice.

The other shook his head with a frown.

"Let… let me lead… you there… Allen," the Fourteenth murmured with obvious strain and gestured to the white piano. A pleasant chord echoed over the room, and a door opened.

"How did you do that?" Link said, surprised.

The host looked at him with mild irritation. "It was the Noah," he answered. Glancing back over his shoulder, he noted the shadow had disappeared already. "He says it leads to the mansion… I think."

Link shrugged and headed for the door. Allen was startled at the blatant trust the other put into the Fourteenth. If it was him, he would most certainly _not_ enter the door his parasite opened. Lvellie's subordinate, however, seemed to have different priorities. Allen went after him with a sigh; after all, it wasn't like their situation could get any worse.

* * *

After several hours of wandering around the Ark's secret rooms, doors opening at random and the two breathing heavily, exhausted from endless walking, they finally arrived to the Campbell mansion. It was anticlimactic, of sorts.

They stood in front of a big, once beautiful, but now visibly neglected building.

Allen braced himself and knocked on the ancient door.

He didn't know what he was expecting, but a cute little girl in a pretty dress with round glasses covering her big eyes wasn't it. She smiled at him sweetly.

"Um, I'm-... Hello," Allen stuttered.

The girl didn't respond to him, instead turned around and cried out: "Teacher Joe! He's here!"

Link stepped closer to him and whispered: "Are we expected?"

Allen shrugged helplessly. If his master did turn out to be alive after all, he'd punch him right in his stupid face.

"Come inside," the girl told them and turned around.

Not even knowing where to start asking questions, the two stayed silent during the short walk through the old building. Allen tried to ignore the strange feeling of nostalgia this place gave him. He'd never been here before, so it must have been the Fourteenth's memories that made him so content...

 _A pleasant, strangely familiar laughter. A reluctant smile. His hands gripping theirs. Two pairs of identical golden eyes looking at him with amusement. Familiar feelings, familiar smells, familiar voices._

"Walker?"

Allen realized he stopped in his tracks all of the sudden. The girl and Link were staring at him questioningly. "Are you alright?"

He murmured an unidentifiable sound of agreement and shakily threw his hair over his shoulder. Except he didn't. He frowned. Wasn't his hair a little too short?

The girl started moving again without a word. The other two followed, Allen still a little out of it. _What was that…?_ he thought. _Am I being swallowed by his memories, even now?_

A moment later, they arrived to somewhere that looked like a dining room. On the chairs surrounding a big round table sat an old woman. She was robust, and had smile wrinkles around her eyes. Her skin looked thin as paper. She was wearing a strange expression, a mix between anticipation, anxiety and worry.

"Nea, is that… you?" she spoke with a fragile voice. "Or is it Allen? Which… which is it?"

"Good evening, I'm Allen Walker," Allen answered after clearing his throat awkwardly. "Pleasure to meet you, Mrs Campbell… right?"

"It's Mrs Joe now." Katherina's expression turned sad. "So you really don't remember…"

Without any warning, more swift than a lady that old should be able to, she sprang from her seat and headed for Allen. She put her wrinkled arms around him in a warm embrace. Allen was so shocked he couldn't move a muscle.

"Even if you don't remember," Katherina said quietly. "Let me say this: welcome home, Allen."

 _A pleasant, strangely familiar laughter. A reluctant smile. His hands gripping theirs. Two pairs of identical eyes looking at him with amusement. Familiar feelings, familiar smells, familiar voices._

" _What have you two dragged Allen into this time? Geez, I swear, I should be getting paid for being a parent to you two…"_

Allen was vaguely aware of the tears rolling freely from his eyes, but he didn't care. For some reason, he gripped onto Katherina even tighter. "W-who am I?" he whispered with a hoarse voice. "Who am I? What's happening to me?"

"I think it's time to take him to Bookman," the little girl said suddenly.

Allen quickly got out of the embrace and wiped his tears away. "Bookman?! He's here?"

Link appeared next to him. "Take us to him," he said resolutely.

"I'm sorry, my dear," Katherina replied with a shake of her head. "For now, Allen must go alone."

Allen looked at Link, trying to pull off a reassuring smile. Judging by the other's rare look of concern, he didn't exactly succeed. Crying and getting hugged by random stranger probably does that to you.

Speaking of random strangers, Katherina walked out of the room and gestured for Allen to follow. Through a seemingly endless maze of halls, she took him to the upper floor. Allen wanted to ask questions, he really did, but recent events' emotional rollercoaster exhausted him more than he was willing to admit, so he couldn't muster up the strength to both ask questions and try to memorize the path they were walking.

After a few moments that, to Allen, seemed like an eternity, they stopped. Katherina opened one of the doors without saying anything and turned around to walk back.

Allen shrugged, once again thinking he had nothing to loose, and entered the door.

There, in one corner of the room, stood an old bed. He swallowed. Was it really Bookman? Was Lavi with him? Weren't they supposed to be captured by the Noah? A thought dawned on him. What proof did he have that he just didn't enter the Noah's hideout? He trusted Cross's projection so much, but both Road and Wisely could mess with people's minds, couldn't they? He decided to take back the previous statement. He definitely had things to loose.

He drew a blank as soon as he heard a wheezy voice carry across the room. "Allen… Walker? Is that you?"

He tried very hard to fight the primal urge to express himself in a fashion similar to; "What the _fuck_ , Bookman?" Instead, he took a few deep breaths and forced his voice steady. "Are you alright?"

Bookman snorted with amusement. "Come here," he said, "and tell me if I look alright."

 _No need to be sarcastic_ , Allen thought with a roll of his eyes as he went to stand beside the bed. "I thought you were with the Noah. I'm glad you're…" he trailed off, looking at the other's fragile body, worried. "Alive."

The Bookman coughed harshly. "Yes, well," he rasped. "I managed to get some help from past allies. I suppose you've already met Katherina and Lucia."

Allen figured that Lucia must have been the young girl who let him and Link in. How a couple of regular humans could have helped somebody to escape from the Noah, he had no idea, but he decided not to act on his suspicion that Bookman wasn't telling him everything. Instead, he shifted his weight excitedly. There was somebody he wanted to see more than anyone at that moment. Somebody who wasn't a part of the whole Campbell mess. Somebody he could depend on. "Where's Lavi?"

Bookman took a weary breath and looked at him with eyes full of regret. "They still have him."

Allen made a pained noise as he allowed his knees to give out and slowly sat himself into a nearby chair. "Is he alive?"

"Yes, but the situation isn't… ideal."

"Can I save him?" he asked desperately.

"You cannot," Bookman said, "but perhaps the Fourteenth can."

Allen was confused. That was a strange thing to say, not to mention the way the other was looking at him, almost as if… "Oh, good god. You're on his side too."

Bookman's following silence was more than enough to confirm Allen's suspicion. He put his head in hands. And after all the fuss the Bookmen made over staying neutral at all times and never taking sides. This was getting ridiculous. Maybe knowing this should have made him want to know everything about Nea D. Campbell, but it just made him angry.

"If you knew what I know," Bookman said quietly, halting his thought process, "you would be on his side too."

Allen laughed with a slightly hysterical edge and shook his head. "So tell me! Tell me what you know, share your wordly knowledge!"

"I'm afraid I can't," the other replied. "Not with Demon Eye Wisely running around. You don't have any mind barriers up, as I do. I'm sorry."

Allen wasn't surprised. Not even a little bit. After all, when was the last time anybody gave him an actual answer to something?

"I'm tired now. I must rest. Good luck, Allen Walker… talk to Nea when you get the chance. He knows spells to brace your mind. Let him speak," - a small pause - "You might have to wait a while, if he hasn't changed."

Allen looked at him suspiciously, not knowing what he meant by that.

With a gently murmured; "Feel better soon," Allen left the room and tried to recall the direction he came here from. After a while, he remembered some paintings he passed by earlier that day, and took off downstairs, where, unknown by him, was another disaster waiting to blow up. Or rather, two disasters.

* * *

Cross Marian and Road Kamelot were looking at him with amused smiles. Allen kept staring.

Hey, he knew he'd done some fucked up things (killing his father and such), but karma had to stop being a bitch at some point of his life, right? _Right_?

He thought very carefully about what he'd do. He did promise to punch Cross the moment he turned out not to be dead, but the feeling of intense relief (and shock, especially shock) made that seem unfavorable. He thought about what to say and once again almost slapped himself for thinking; "Okay, honestly, what the _actual fuck_?" He thought about saying that a lot lately. It would probably make for a kick-ass tombstone epitaph. Or his last words. Or both.

"Uh, idiot apprentice?" Cross asked, his smirk falling a little. "You okay?"

"I have strongly mixed feelings," Allen noted. He shifted his gaze from his master, to Road standing next to him, to Link hanging back in the shadows with an expression of a lost puppy, to Katherina and Lucia, who were watching the entire exchange with a morbid interest.

"Shit happens, yeah," Cross said with a shrug and lit a cigarette.

"Cross Marian, how many times do I-..." Katherina cried. "You do _not_ smoke in this house, are we clear?! Not thirty-five years ago, not now!"

The former exorcist rolled his eyes. "Geez, woman, I almost forgot how downright _annoying_ you've always been. 'Cross, don't give Nea cigarettes. Cross, don't encourage Mana to steal. Cross, mind your language.'"

"See? I always told them if they were friends with you, something would go wrong," Katherina replied. "And look at where we are now! Both of my sons dead, yet one of them trying to destroy the world and the other one… I don't even know what on earth Nea is trying to do here."

"Ah, yes," Cross said and inhaled an unnecessary amount of the smoke, "that's all my fault, of course. Such a bad influence. Get over it."

Allen was looking at the developing conversation with his mouth slightly open. After blinking the shock away, he cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but?"

Katherina turned to him with a sweet smile, contrasting the deep frown she had been gracing his master with. "Sorry, sweetheart. How is Bookman doing?" she asked.

"He's fine," Allen replied distractedly. He had no idea what to ask first. In the end he came up with; "Master, how are you still alive?"

"I'm alive because this little devil here," he said, gesturing to Road, "decided she wanted to join forces. Anyway, kid, there's a lot of things you should know, and it's late, just go to sleep for now."

"If I go to sleep, the Fourteenth might take over."

"Yes, that is my point. Nea, come on, at least greet your mother if not me."

Allen was able to be confused for approximately two seconds before he felt like being shoved into a bag. An unsettlingly familiar sensation, he immediately knew what triggered it. The Fourteenth.

When he opened my eyes, he was surprised to find himself not chained to a throne in his dreamscape, but still seeing Cross right before his eyes. He tried to blink, but he couldn't.

Then Allen heard his own voice say: "Damn, and I thought I was so stealthy."

Allen made an attempt to shout out something along the lines of; "Get out of my body, bastard!" The body didn't seem to cooperate though, so he was forced to watch his master's mouth form into a grin and feel himself (the Fourteenth) roll his eyes.

"Welcome to the land of the living, you dick," Cross said.

"Yeah, yeah," the Noah replied with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "Surprisingly warm welcome, considering what a traitor you are."

"I am a _what_?"

A soft sob echoed through the room. Allen (the Fourteenth) looked at Katerina, who was shaking badly and hiding her face in hands.

"Hey, mom," the Fourteenth muttered sheepishly. The old woman didn't wait for anything else and Allen's body was embraced by her for the second time that day.

"Nea, you stupid, stupid child," she whispered into the crook of his neck.

"Uhuh, mom, listen," Nea said, visibly torn between leaning into the hug or getting out of it. "I've got some scores to settle here, so can this wait… like… ten minutes?"

"What's more important than your mother?!" Katherina cried and let him go.

"Oh, I don't know," he said, turning around, "waiting for an explanation of this asshole's betrayal?"

Cross leisurely threw his cigarette butt on the ground. "You're gonna have to elaborate, man."

" _Elaborate_?" Nea repeated with a voice that was still Allen's, but noticeably an octave higher. "You literally helped Allen suppress me only a few hours, I saw that! 'Nea, be careful, he's dangerous!' No _shit_! But no, of course, he's more important than your best friend, and, you know, saving the world."

"For fuck's sake, Nea!" Cross cursed loudly. "You're like one big abandonment issue! Nobody is betraying you here, I'm not ever letting you die again. I'm with you on this. Christ, stop being melodramatic."

"So how do you explain… this?" the Noah gestured to his body.

"Is it really so impossible to comprehend that maybe I don't want either of you to die? By the way, you too have some explanations to do. Why on earth did you think it would be a good idea to pick an accommodator to be your host? Under ten years old no less?"

Nea narrowed his eyes at him. "What are you talking about? That's what I want to know. What the hell happened to Allen?"

They took a few seconds to stare at each other, baffled, until Road (who the Fourteenth seemed not to have noticed yet) cut in. "Guys, I know what's going on here, and I'll tell you later and all, but what about Allen?"

"What are you doing here?" Nea asked with displeasure. And, Allen noted, perhaps a little bit of fear.

"You were right," Road said, uncharacteristically serious. "You were right about everything, okay? I don't agree with what you want to do exactly, but for now, I'm on your side."

Cross nodded, pleased, and then agreed with Road: "The little devil's right. You need to talk to Allen."

"You do realize the reason I've let him come here is because I hoped you could have that conversation with him?"

Allen would have gasped if he could. That Noah _let_ him come in here?

"Yep. And I still stand by what I said. Talk."

"I have the most info here," Road said, "and I think you definitely need to talk. Try to explain your plans without… you know… taking a week or so."

The Fourteenth winced. "I'm not that chatty, am I?"

Both Road and Cross laughed. Even Katherina chuckled into her hand. "That's really not what she meant," Cross said.

"Can't this wait for a while?" Nea whined. "I want to get plastered tonight. Who's with me?"

Allen was shocked to see his master shake his head resolutely. Cross Marian refusing a night of endless drinking? That must have meant something serious was going on. Allen's mind was scattered everywhere after hearing the others talk. He didn't even bother forming questions anymore. To be honest, at this point, he actually _did_ want to meet Nea and let him explain things. He might hate the guy, but hey, he'd be glad to get some answers before punching him.

From the angle in which Nea was glaring at Cross, Allen could see Link leaning on the wall with a resigned face. Lucia was trying to imitate both his pose and his serious expression. There was a story there, and Allen would definitely have to ask about it later.

"Fine!" the Fourteenth said at last with a sigh. "I'll be going then. Let's discuss everything properly tomorrow. Goodnight."

Cross and Road waved their hands and Katherina whispered a soft; "Sweet dreams."

As Nea navigated himself in the familiar mansion and sought out the nearest room with a bed, he muttered under his breath; "This is gonna be a long night."

A few days later, when Allen recalled that, he couldn't help but laugh hysterically.

* * *

 **A/N: I have a theory that the "Bookman" waiting in the Campbell mansion is actually Lavi and that _Bookman_ Bookman is dead, but since that's what I predict will happen in following chapters, I decided to go with both of them being alive… so my heart doesn't hurt as much. But it does. _Oh, it does._**


	2. Part 2

**A/N: This is late and even more confusing than the first part. And messy. So messy. By the way, f you haven't read** **panthaleia** ' **s time loop theory on tumblr, then you really should.**

* * *

As soon as Allen felt his body falling asleep, the view had changed. Now he was, once again, sitting on a throne (not chained, he noted) in his own dream. Everything looked the same as the last time he'd been there - at least as far as he could tell, since he didn't manage to peek into the lake to see what was reflected in it.

Remembering all the scattered information he had gained earlier that day, and all the questions he had, Allen grew both anxious and excited. He took a shaky breath, but he just couldn't bring himself to calm down.

"Allen?"

His head snapped up. It was the Noah. He was suddenly standing before Allen, appearing out of the blue. Apparently, he wanted to begin the aforementioned "talk" as soon as possible.

Seeing the Fourteenth in front of him like that, Allen first thought of lashing out, but reconsidered. His mouth formed into a thin line. He was the one who claimed to want to know more about the Noah. The least he could to now was listen to what the bastard had to say.

"Allen," the Noah said again, but this time it wasn't a question. He was wearing a strange, wistful expression. "Do you remember?"

The other frowned, confused. "Nea, right?"

"Yes. That doesn't answer my question," Nea whispered. "Or perhaps," he continued as he looked Allen in the eyes, "it does."

Allen shook his head gently. First the Earl, then possibly Road, now the Fourteenth… the Noah family was finally starting to crack, he thought. Everybody, including his master, expected him to know things, to keep up with these vague conversations, and he was getting sick of it. He was torn between asking questions and ignoring the nasty parasite entirely, but curiosity won in the end.

"Tell me about your plan."

"Yes, that," Nea said, running one hand through his hair. "The _plan_. The grand scenario. I'd tell you everything if I could, but as Bookman said, Wisely is a pain in the ass."

Allen frowned. Didn't Bookman say something about the Fourteenth being able to fortify his mind? He decided not to bring it up and maybe talk about it later. "Alright, so what exactly is this supposed to be?" he asked. "You want me to willingly give up my body not even knowing _why_?"

"No, I no longer want your body. Not after finding out Road is in cahoots with Cross."

He felt a flicker of hope. "She can get you your own body?"

"Perhaps," Nea answered hesitantly. "Probably, eventually. She's too weak now, I think. Hard to say with her."

They both kept silent after that for a while. Allen wondered why the Noah wasn't saying something, anything. He did want to ask questions, but seeing as he didn't even know where to begin, he hoped the other would just spit out what he wanted to say. That didn't seem to be the case though. As the silence stretched on, he started feeling angrier and angrier; he was, however, determined to stay calm.

"Allen, you must understand…" Nea said at last, trailing off. "I didn't _want_ this."

"Well, I sure hope so. Using somebody's body like a parasite, a kid no less, ruining their life. I can imagine you didn't plan on this; doesn't exactly make you a good person." And there went Allen's plan on keeping his head cool. At least he didn't punch the man.

"A _kid_?" Nea repeated with complete disbelief and then laughed bitterly. "Allen, use your fucking _head_."

Allen stood up, livid. "Excuse me?!" The back of his mind found the sudden mood change in both of them funny.

The other took a step back and held his hands out. "How do you think I passed my will onto you?"

"I'm sorry," Allen said, desperately mourning the loss of being unable to activate Crown Clown in his dreamscape, "is this a conversation about the _way_ you crawled into my body?!"

"No!" Nea let out an exasperated breath. "No, I just want you to think! I died _thirty-five_ years ago, for fuck's sake. _Think._ "

Thirty-five years ago. _Oh._ Allen stopped advancing and looked at his feet with a frown. He never thought about that. So now he knew what the other wanted him to see, but it didn't explain why it was so vital to the conversation.

"When I said I didn't want this," Nea said, "I meant I was _strongly against_ this. I'm a decent sorcerer, but I would never be able to mess with memories. I wasn't the one who did this, goddamnit."

A whisper. "Was it master?"

"Cross?" Nea laughed again and to his credit, it was only slightly hysteric. "Cross didn't even know you _existed_! You're ignoring the _point_!"

"This isn't going anywhere!" Allen cried. "I don't know why you didn't kill me yet, but if you want to talk, at least be clear! Do not speak in this patronizing _I-know-something-you-don't_ tone, because I'm getting sick of it!" He was starting to see what the others were getting at before. Talking to the Fourteenth was like talking to a brick wall.

"Fine! Fine," Nea said and inhaled deeply to calm himself down. "Listen. The idiotic, ever so self-sacrificing dimwit of a sorcerer who caused all this was _you_. Thirty-five years ago, I knew you, you were my friend, you were the same age as me. Then…" he trailed off. Allen was dead silent. "Then I died and you did this."

He left it at that and didn't elaborate any further. Allen was staring at him as if he'd grown two heads. "I knew you were crazy," he said slowly, "I just didn't know how much."

"Oh, for the love of god!" Nea exclaimed, throwing hands into the air.

"I'm not sure if you noticed, but I'm seventeen."

"No, you're not, trust me-..."

"Trust you?!" Allen cut him off. "Give me one reason why!"

Nea continued talking; "...-I don't know what happened either, but it must have something to do with Innocence and Apocryphos." He paused. "I can show you my memories of you."

Allen shook his head. _This is ridiculous,_ he thought. _He's lying, of course he's lying. I just don't know what he's trying to accomplish here._

He was ready to actually punch the other man and force himself into control again, but something stopped him. Curiosity again, probably. And the suspicion that his master would not exactly say "good job" to that.

"Alright," Allen said with a shrug. He figured the situation couldn't have gotten any worse than it was. Plus, maybe it was the hysteria talking, but watching the Noah lose his marbles was nothing short of hilarious.

Nea blinked, apparently not quite expecting that. But he nodded, turned around and stepped towards the lake. Allen could finally see under the surface, but there was no Lenalee once again. There wasn't anything.

"I don't want to see it," Nea said when they reached the edge. "Mind going on your own?"

Allen considered it. If it turned out to be something as traumatic as Kanda's memories, he'd rather not let the enemy see him have a breakdown. In the end he shook his head. "It's fine."

Nea shrugged and gestured towards the water. "Suit yourself."

Allen looked into the lake. When he thought about it later, he figured he should have listened to his inner voice that sounded a little too much like Lenalee screaming _DO NOT_ at him.

Alas, he did not, and therefore jumped.

* * *

He shouldn't have jumped.

Allen somehow managed to land on his hands in a way it was a wonder he didn't break both of his wrists, even if it was only an illusion. He hissed quietly in pain and looked around.

He was in a small, dimly lit room. There were books and papers scattered everywhere; on the floor, the couch, even the table and two chairs. Behind the table was a window with thick, orange curtains, which, due to the little amount of sunlight they let into the room, coloured the plain white walls red. On one of the chairs sat Nea.

Allen waited for a few seconds, waiting if the other would notice him, but as expected, he gave no indication that he knew somebody else was there.

As Allen stood up and looked him over, he realized that Nea was in a pretty bad shape. A massive black eye, bruised cheek, smaller and bigger cuts all over his face and hands. He was carefully bandaging his neck, which, Allen realized with mild concern and not-so-mild disgust, seemed to be necessary because of a failed attempt at slitting the Noah's throat. It wasn't bleeding too much„ but didn't look pretty either.

The exorcist was about to walk closer, but suddenly the door to his right opened. In the door, there stood a man with a vaguely familiar face, round glasses and long auburn hair.

Nea looked at him with quite possibly the most prominent expression Allen had seen on him so far; shame. "I fucked up."

"I won't say it," the newcomer stated cryptically as he walked in, closing the door behind him.

"You can say it."

"I told you so," the stranger replied without the slightest hint of hesitation and at this point, Allen was frowning deeply. The stranger seemed a bit too familiar to him. It wasn't even the outer appearance, not really, it was the biting tone and crystal clear voice. The one Allen often used when talking with Cross or Kanda, which was creepy, and he was kind of starting to freak out, because-...

Allen's entire thought process stopped in its tracks.

That was supposed to be _him_?

The older Allen sat on the other chair and took Nea's hands in his. He started massaging small circles in Nea's skin and the smallest cuts started gradually disappearing.

"I don't know what to say, Nea." The Noah's human name rolled off Allen's past self so easily, so familiarly, so _fondly_ , and once again, Allen wanted to throw up. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry for not listening to you when you told me that Mana was going crazy," Nea replied, his voice cracking. "I thought that if he was, I would have been able to stop the Noah memory from consuming him. But I was wrong. He's not Mana anymore, and nobody believes me."

The sorcerer let go of the other's hands and frowned. "What about Road?"

"Road loves Mana too much."

There was a silence for a while, during which the current Allen, exorcist Allen, Allen _Walker_ tried to take in all the information he'd be offered. He was over forty years old, he had been Nea's friend, and he'd known Mana and Road. And Mana… went crazy? He had no idea what that was supposed to mean. The Noah memory… was Mana a Noah?

It was his past self who broke the silence. "What do you need me to do?" he asked.

"What?" Nea said with a bitter laugh. Allen was starting to understand why his master was apparently friendly with this person. They were both a bit too bitter to be healthy. "I don't need you to do anything, Allen, lovely. I came to said goodbye."

"Yeah," the other responded with a sarcastic attempt to imitate Nea's laughter. "That's not happening. I'm in this shit with you whether you like it or not, _lovely_."

Nea shrugged hopelessly. "Why?! Why exactly are in this shit with me? You're neither a Noah nor an exorcist, this isn't your business."

"Because Mana has been my friend for over ten years, you narcissistic fuck!" past Allen snapped. "And I know all of your so-called guarded secrets about this stupid, _stupid_ Holy War, so get off your high horse and, also, why do all of our conversations end like this?!"

"Like what? In screaming matches? Could it be because you..." - Nea gasped dramatically - "...just don't know when to shut up?"

The current Allen was staring with his mouth hanging open. _Is this what Nea calls friendship?_ he thought. So far, it seemed more like a relationship that bordered on reluctant acquaintances and archenemies, not to mention the initial fondness they spoke to each other with, which made this whole thing seem like a bad joke.

"Listen here, Mr Big Shot Sorcerer," Nea continued. "If you love Mana so much, why aren't you on _his_ side like everybody else?"

"I _am_ on his side. _You're_ on his side. You can save him. I want to save him. Let me help."

Nea rolled his eyes. Whether it was Allen Walker or his past self, they both seemed baffled by the Noah's need to push him (them?) away. "Do whatever you want. We're up against thirteen Satan's offsprings, it's just a matter of waiting for death."

The sorcerer smirked and the memory started to get darker and more blurry. "If you don't think I can handle thirteen Satan's offsprings, then perhaps you do not deserve my help. Give me a minute to pack and we're out of here," was the last thing Allen heard before he was devoured my darkness, and this time, he welcomed it.

* * *

Unfortunately, Allen's fate wasn't to finally fall asleep properly, rest and dream about nothing. No, he was destined to once again find himself in front of the Noah, crawling out of the lake.

He took three seconds to compose himself and then stood up. After everything he'd seen, only one question came to him.

"Who's Mana?"

Nea averted his gaze and cleared his throat. "My brother, yes."

"Your brother," Allen repeated slowly. "Your brother, Mana, the Noah."

"I've seen some things that happened to you via Tim. Your adoptive father, Mana, was _not_ a Noah. I'm pretty sure."

"You're," he whispered lowly, " _pretty sure_?"

Nea looked at him with a sheepish expression.

Accepting he wouldn't get anything more out of the other, Allen changed the subject. "If you thought I would give my body up after finding out I was on your side before, you were very mistaken. I'm not that person anymore."

"I know," Nea said quickly. "I know you aren't. I get it. I didn't even plan on telling you that, really. That was just a bonus or something."

 _A bonus?_ Allen could feel his eye twitching. _This guy has an amazing ability to piss people off. Kind of like Kanda, except Kanda does it on purpose._

"Anyway, anyway," the Noah continued, "the plan. Yes. I plan on destroying both Dark Matter and Innocence. There it is."

"Why not just destroy Dark Matter? If you really want the current Earl to die that much," Allen said. Then he added: "Actually, didn't you say you wanted to become the Earl yourself?"

"Aha! That's how you destroy Dark Matter."

"By… becoming the Earl….?"

"By killing the Earl. And by Earl I mean me. And current Earl too."

Allen stared at him. "You're not making any sense whatsoever."

Nea shrugged hopelessly. "Just trust me on this, okay? We can tell you the details later, but now you know what my goal is. To answer your other question; I do not _want the current Earl to die that much_. I want to end this war."

"The Order wants to end this war."

"No, Allen, the Order wants to win it. There's a difference:"

"Is there?" Allen asked with a sigh. "Alright, what terrible thing will happen if the Innocence wins?"

Nea kept silent for a while. He had a thoughtful expression on his face. "I think I can tell you some things," he said eventually. "Since the Earl knows already and all. Plus I think I can whip up a few spells on your body to keep most of the information away from Wisely." There it was. Maybe Nea wasn't powerful enough to block Wisely out completely and that was why he hadn't elaborated earlier. Maybe he didn't know what the Earl knew and needed to tread carefully. " Anyway, to put it shortly, this world is stuck in a time loop. It resets every time one side annihilates the other."

At this point, Allen was ready to go with whatever the other said for now and think about properly later. "What time does it reset to?" he asked.

"The Great Flood, of course."

"Of course."

Some more silence followed. Allen was waiting for more information to sink in. Fruitlessly.

"I'm an exorcist," he stated at last. That, at least, he was sure of. "But if, and that's a big if, what you say is true then… I get it. But I can't help you."

Nea smiled sadly. "Cross is an exorcist."

Allen ignored that statement. He needed to ask a question that had been bothering him. "Would achieving your goal kill the exorcists?"

"I don't think so. It will just cause the Innocence disappear." The Fourteenth hesitated. "The Noah are more problematic… if the Earl's entire Noah memory dies, so will they. I think."

Allen shook his head. "Still, this is so sudden… why haven't you told any of this to the Order? They could have-... _we_ could have helped you."

"You and your friends, I believe. But the Vatican itself? There's no way they would willingly give up something as powerful as Innocence." Nea said and then straightened up. "So, what will you do? Cross may not want for you to die, neither do I for that matter, but we will sacrifice you if that's what it takes."

"So I don't have a choice."

"You do," he said firmly. "That's what I've been telling you. You can decide what to do next. Cross wanted to show you every side of this war - the Order's, as an exorcist; the Noah's, as somebody who was perceived as such; and ours, by being my host. You don't have to choose one right now, just do what you think is right."

Up until then, Allen was looking at the other with distrust and dislike, but something inside him snapped at that moment He didn't miraculously start to like Nea, no - but he felt an emotion that could be described as respect, and perhaps gratitude. Allen wasn't very good at reading inbetween the lines, but this time, he understood: he'd been handed a way out. _Stand by me until you're free,_ Nea's speech meant. _Then fight for whoever you want._

To be honest, it was more than Allen could have hoped for. To be even more honest, he really did understand what the other was getting at. A world without the Holy War, without the Noah and the Akuma, without the Order and their cruel experiments. He understood, but it was difficult, deciding between a tempting view of the future and something you've believed in your whole life. Even for that, however, he had an out. _You don't have to choose a side right now_.

He made his decision. "I'll fight for you," he said. "Not because I'd die otherwise, not because I apparently used to be your friend. I'll fight for you, because I decided to trust you, and if you don't break that trust, I'll help with whatever you need me to."

Nea looked at him with visible gratitude.

Allen suddenly realized his master's obstinacy to aid the Fourteenth. Nea wasn't likeable - gosh, not at all - but he did give off some serious "needs-to-be-protected" vibes. Like a puppy. Or Miranda. Allen had to take a deep breath to keep his mouth from twitching after comparing the nicest person ever to a bloodthirsty Noah. Who was clumsy and tripped over his own words. Perhaps there really was something there.

"What now?" Allen asked at last.

"Now we go save your friend and see if he joins us. Then we must find a way to kill the Earl and then find the Heart and destroy it."

"Tough," Allen commented.

Nea laughed breathlessly. "Yeah. But now I've got hope. I have a good feeling about this."

Allen smiled at him for the first time and extended his hand. "Let's go together then." Since they would apparently be sharing his body for some time, he figured the least he could do was be nice.

"Let's," the Fourteenth agreed and grabbed the offered hand.

* * *

The following morning was a blur. After only a few minutes of actual sleep, Allen woke up and grudgingly let himself be navigated by Nea into the kitchen. Secretly, he was kind of glad for his new own navigating device the Noah turned out to be. Not that he'd ever say it out loud.

Still half asleep, he was partially regretting the previous day. It had all been both physically and emotionally exhausting, and he only now realized he might have acted less like who he wanted to be, by which he meant Mana, and more like his past self, by which he meant Red. And the other Allen as well, he supposed. He figured people could cut him some slack though, considering.

Allen sighed loudly and walked into the dining room.

Cross and Link were already there. They murmured a weak "good morning" and Allen hummed in response. None of them looked like they had gotten much sleep.

The following conversation was short and the silence strangely peaceful. Cross asked about Nea, of course, and Allen told him a brief overview. His master seemed satisfied enough, and laughed obnoxiously when asked if Nea had always been so awkward. Link was quiet, but the relief on his face was obvious. Allen jokingly questioned about Lucia's infatuation with the young inspector, and Link blushed slightly and complained about how she'd been following him all the time the previous day.

After Allen wolfed down an even bigger amount of what he usually ate, Katerina came in, stating that Bookman wanted to talk to everybody upstairs.

As they walked, Nea spoke for the first time since he helped Allen find his beloved food; he complained about Bookman being too old to be of any help.

"You're mean," Allen responded out loud. The others looked at him questioningly. "Nea," he continued, ignoring the Noah's offended gasp, "he's being rude."

"He's always mean and rude," Cross said. "But no worries, I'm worse."

Allen glared at him. "Trust me, I know."

They reached the Bookman's room in relative silence. It turned out that they had been the last to arrive. Road and Lucia were already there.

Allen's eyes fell on Road, standing by the window, staring at Bookman with narrowed eyes and a sweet smile. Which, Allen knew, was anything but reassuring. He only now remembered the fact that he apparently used to know her too, in his past life. It was a strange thought - Road loving Mana. By the vague explanation he received from Nea, Allen figured out that his adoptive father was perhaps a different person that Nea's brother.

Allen was, however, one hundred percent sure Nea wasn't telling him everything about Mana. He would definitely have to ask one day.

"Allen?"

He cringed upon hearing his master's voice. Looking around the room, he figured that was not the first time they called his name. He still needed that proper sleep.

"Sorry," he muttered after clearing his throat.

Cross rolled his eyes. He was used to his apprentice's daydreaming. And after all the work he put into breaking that habit. He said: "Can you put Nea on the line?"

 _Really? Is that how this thing is gonna work now?_ Allen thought, but before he could put it into words that were a little less bitchy (yes, Cross had used that exact expression before), he was overtaken by a familiar nausea.

"It is I," his mouth said and he himself groaned internally.

"I see you have finally awaken that particular part of your Noah genes that makes you persuasive," Bookman commented dryly.

"Haha, no," Nea responded with as much enthusiasm as the other had. Allen was certain that they were talking about him. He started wondering if he had given into Nea's proposal too easily.

"Great, now that we're all reunited," Cross said, pleased. "What's the plan?"

Everybody looked at Allen. Nea. Neither of which were exactly comfortable with that." Well, I kind of promised Allen we'd save Bookman Junior?"

"I would have guilt tripped you into doing that anyway, but go on," Bookman remarked.

Nea was looking at him questioningly. Apparently, he had nothing else to say. Cross was glaring at him, so he continued: "I've been dead for the past few decades, what plan am I supposed to have?"

"You need the Heart, right?" Road asked, crossing her arms. "We should split into groups. One to find out where the Heart is, and the other to keep an eye on the Noah."

"You know, how about first you give me my own body?"

"How about first you appreciate that I'm helping you at all?"

Katerina sighed loudly, causing Nea to avert his gaze to his feet and Road to pout childishly. Allen had to admire Katerina. One of her sons came back from death and she seemed less fazed than she should. Then again, she must have seen enough crazy things before. _She's crazy herself, really, naming trees and all,_ he thought.

"Normal people name trees, okay?" Nea said begrudgingly.

 _Oh, great, you can hear me. It_ was _a talking tree, so I guess it's fine,_ Allen thought, referring to Cornelia's miraculous advice on how to escape Nea's mindscape.

"That was me," the Noah remarked, ignoring the stares the others were giving him (they were no longer surprised, just curious). "Wait a second. You seriously thought I was a tree?

 _B-but the voice! It echoed all over, how could I have known?_ Allen sure was glad for not being in control of the body at the moment. He would be blushing bright red. _Shut up!_

Nea didn't laugh, but he did smile slightly, which was enough to make Allen feel mortified (he could see himself and Nea a year from now; "Remember the time you thought I was a tree?")

That was when he decided to call the other nothing else than Cornelia for the rest of their lives. If Kanda could give awful nicknames to him, he could give them to a crazy Noah.

"If we're done talking about trees," Bookman spoke out, "I have something to say. We need more allies."

"Whoa, there," Nea said with a wave of his hand. "I think what we have right now is more than enough."

"Nea, my man," Cross said, "this is what's become of your little rebel group; a useless ex-exorcist with trust issues, a fifty years old powerful violent little girl, two old people on their deathbeds, a faithful dog of a manipulative abuser, your former best friend whose body you're currently occupying and also, last but not least, you, an emotionally constipated Noah with an astonishing ability to fuck up everything you touch."

Nea stared at him for a moment (everybody did). "That was oddly specific."

"And factual," Road added. She was the only one who seemed pleased with her description.

"When you put it like that, it is kind of sad," Nea admitted.

"Sad?" Cross repeated. "Sad? Nea, this is taking 'being pathetic' to a whole new level."

Allen couldn't help but wonder what the situation had been like 35 years ago. The current conversation made it seem like things had been better before. He decided to ask: _Who was on your side before?_

"Well, you, Cross and Bookman. You yourself were better than an army of Noah."

 _And I'm not anymore,_ he finished bitterly. He didn't want his "old life" back. He liked this one. He liked being an exorcist. But he did feel strangely nostalgic about his past self, and whatever powers he used to have.

Nea didn't respond and instead turned to Bookman. "Okay, allies, any suggestions?"

 _Wait, wait, I got something,_ Allen said quickly. _There's this exorcist who hates the Order, but he still works for it. If I contact him and explain things, I think he'd help._

"Is it Yuu Kanda?" Bookman asked thoughtfully after Nea informed the others of what Allen had said.

Allen/Nea nodded.

"Well, it's a start," the old man continued with a shrug.

Allen smiled internally. If he could get Kanda to help, then perhaps Lenalee would join their cause too. His smile fell quickly. Since when was this "their cause"? Maybe it was the unlikely collection of people standing before him - they gave him a feeling of hope, somehow. Plotting against both sides of the war was tempting. No matter how tempting though, he could never forget his friends back at the Order. All of them fighting for the same thing was a nice dream, but Allen suspected it wouldn't become a reality. He'd have to choose sooner and later.

He was feeling emotional, confused and very, very tired, and so he decided for "later".

* * *

 _Hey, Allen, I've got something to tell you._

Allen cringed and mentally rebuked himself for getting lost in his thoughts. They were just about to carry out "project Lavi" by luring out Wisely, and all that was left to do was wait for Cross's signal. And he was taking his sweet time doing so.

"What is it, Cornelia?" Allen whispered and wrapped himself tighter in his coat. It was a cold night. Also, yes, the nickname stuck.

 _I didn't really expect you to help us._

"Trust me, neither did I," he said with a low chuckle. "Do you have a point?"

 _I think so,_ Nea answered. _I mean, it would be easier if you had just given me the body. You're not exactly an important person for our plans..._

"Gee, thanks."

 _I didn't mean it badly, honestly! I'm… trying to say that… it's appreciated._

Allen laughed shortly. "Why can't you say 'thank you' like normal people?"

Nea kept silent for a while. Then he groaned: _Alright, fine! I admit I'm not exactly the most articulate person alive and I do regret-..._

"Nea!"

 _Okay, yeah, I'm sorry!_

"No problem!"

 _Thank you!_

"You're welcome!"

Nea kept silent after that and Allen shook his head with an amused snort. He was feeling relatively happy at that moment. He and Nea were getting along better than expected, even though Nea still refused to tell him stuff about Mana. And he was about to see Lavi again. Lavi, who was an actual friend, who wasn't a part of the Campbells' schemes, who he could talk to.

It would be dangerous, of course. Their plan to break into the enemy's hideout, no matter how helpful Road could be, was nothing short of crazy - but it was still Allen's own goal, not Nea's or anybody else's, which made him determined to give it his all.

Maybe he was an optimist, but he had a feeling it would all work out somehow. It had to work out - he kept his promise after all. Mana had said to keep walking forward; he didn't specify in which direction. Neither did Allen's master for that matter. He was glad for that. He was probably still being manipulated, whether by Cross, Nea, or Lvellie, but now he was in a perfect position to screw up anything Nea did, if he wanted. That made him feel more in control than he'd been for the past few months, since the whole Ark situation.

Allen's mouth stretched into a smile just as the wind carried over Maria's cry. The signal. He jumped up and ran forward, perhaps not in the right direction, but one he believed in.

* * *

 **A/N: Happy end? I don't even know. It's kind of half-assed, but, you know. Sorry for being Confusing and Late, and thanks for reading, reviewing, faving and following!**


End file.
